the end of october.

here's a weekend wrap up.

in case you didn't know...the cardinals won the world series!!  and my husband almost missed it [thanks to a work winery trip earlier that day).

it snowed in new york!  and, i believe, they are currently without power.  my niece, emma, has been having fun playing.

taking a break from playing.

we participated in a 5k with some friends.  this is my friend, katie, who actually ran a half mile in the wrong direction because she didn't see the arrows.  leave it to katie.  oh well, she got a better work out.  i, on the other hand, ended up not running.  the chlomid has me feeling less than great and my doctor suggested i take it easy.  i did do a 2 mile walk and it was freezing!

i made these for a halloween party.  my intention was to make ghosts, but the gel icing never hardened and i couldn't figure anything else out.  so mummies they became!

and some of this year's halloween costumes.  ok ok, so we were lazy and we ended up doing a costume that we've already done.  we didn't want to spend more money, so it worked.  plus, it's a pretty good costume.

again, a poor quality BB pic.

tattoo artists/bikers...not too sure what we were.

emma was, of course, a princess.  belle.

my dad.  "i gotta have more cowbell".

tomorrow, for halloween, we plan to start up the fire pit, cozy up and pass out candy to the neighborhood kiddos with some friends.

and that's it.  i can't believe we're right around the corner from november and the holidays.  and a new baby boy nephew!  i am so looking forward to the holidays this year.  bundle up...it's getting cold out there!  i'm ready for some snow days!!


 

to mourn an absence.

my blog friend and real life gal pal, brooke, sent me this quote after reading it in laura bush's memoir, spoken from the heart.

"the english language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' for the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not.  still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'i am sorry for your loss.' 

but for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. for those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

 

and so...

it begins.  things are underway and...we wait.

now, if i could just time warp.

and, yes...i realize that i've sort of dug myself into  a hole as far as the sharing of information goes.  and yes, i do realize this is a public blog and certain followers may expect certain information.  the hubs and i have had some in depth discussions about how much to share on the blog as far as "progress" goes.  because of our history with the miscarriage, we've decided it's best for our hopes and the hopes of those close to us [and any blog readers who care], that we wouldn't be sharing any news until we felt that we were in the clear [which, for me, could be like 9 months.  i kid].  so...for that reason, i may be fairly vague so as to not give news away either way.  i hope this makes sense and we hope you understand.


 

adventures in babysitting.

just another benefit to living within walking distance from one of your best gal pals...you get to babysit!

remember this shower?  and this visit?  well that's this guy.

things i learned during my seven hour adventure:

a) you can never cover up a little weewee too quickly.

b) i can eat with one hand.

c) that baby smell never gets old.

d) baby toots are the cutest.

e)  men really freak out over breast milk.

f) it's difficult to capture a 6 week old smile on camera...but i did!

this is a smile, not a cry.

remy couldn't get enough.

 

the measure of a woman.

so. something is weighing on me heavily. 

a very close person to me wrote me an email regarding this post.  in it, i said this...

"i guess, i just have this thing about not being able to do this on my own right now.  or possibly not being able to do it on my own [or our own].  it's sort of the very thing that defines a lady." 

a) i feel terrible because i would hate to offend anyone who is unable to have children.  from the bottom of my heart, that is not what i meant.  i certainly wouldn't like to be "defined" by whether or not i can have or bear children.  so i need to recant that statement.

b) i meant it in its most matter of fact sense.  woman have children.  men do not.  its what separates us from men.

the measure of a woman, or what truly defines a woman, is...

the way you love

your relationships

your work

your heart

 your passions

what you give back

your beliefs

your sincerity

your character.

this very important person to me said,
"believe me when i tell you that life is rich beyond measure, whether you conceive or not."
 
so i just needed to clarify.  because she's right.  she's so so right.

...and while i'm asking for blog forgiveness.  i also left a very important person out of this post.  and that person is my grandpa who passed last christmas day.  i have no excuses for leaving him out and, again, i feel terrible.  go blue, grandpa. 
...

doc talk

so last week was my q and a with my doc.  i'm going to do my best to try to interpret her answers.  please note that i do not practice obstetrics and/or gynecology.

i've done a good job of charting.

but my charts perplexed her.

based on my temps compared to my LH surge, something is amiss.

she isn't convinced that i'm actually ovulating...

although i do have an LH surge.  [ehhhh....]

she's not seeing a definitive spike, rather a gradual increase

...and only after i start prometrium for that cycle.

or it's possible that i am, but my eggs are "weak".

weak eggs?  ok.

so it is possible to have an LH surge and not ovulate.

then there was something about the follicle...

which eventually becomes the corpus luteum [thanks kaitlin]...

which, then, has a hand in progesterone production...i think

we've concluded i'm progesterone deficient.

so this means i don't actually ovulate.

or that thing about the "weak eggs".

so, from here...

if i don't start...celebrations and a careful eye.

if i do...big bummer...but.

she'd like me to begin clomid

and i think come in for ultrasounds to keep an eye on ovulation.

there was so much information it's all blending together.

because i took my time and asked my questions

and she was as patient as can be.

and very easy to talk to.

and i trust her.

and so that's the plan.  i guess, i just have this thing about not being able to do this on my own right now.  or possibly not being able to do it on my own [or our own].  it's sort of the very thing that defines a lady. 

i feel a little broken.  like something is terribly wrong.  hopefully, it can be fixed.

cross.  your.  fingers.   and anything else that can be crossed.

 

2 years of wedded bliss.

ok, was it all blissful?  i mean...no.  in its own way, though, everything played a part in getting us where we are now.

in two years of marriage, we've...

gotten our first apartment together 

gotten bid kid jobs

had squirrels shimmy through dryer tubes and into our apartment

killed said shimmy squirrels with various tactics [had to be done]

prematurely paid out of lease [see previous squirrel comments]

purchased our first house

painted our first house [this is a feat, in and of itself]

lost a big kid job [jake]

changed big kid jobs [lyndsay]

gotten a bigger kid job [jake]

stood beside a friend whose life was changed in one day.

took on a third roommate [brother]

decided to start "trying" [after roommate's departure]

gotten a puppy

taken trips to vegas and cabo [separately...ooops]

gotten a big fat positive [and celebrated]

lost a baby [and mourned]

lost a grandma [and grieved]

made a lateral move at work, in preparation for a promotion [jake]

began "trying" again

gotten steps/patio on the back of our house [this was big]

continued to"try"...

laughed.

cried.

smiled.

joked.

and had a blast.

.........and continued to try.

and i wouldn't change a thing.

jake's a do-er.  a don't sweat the small stuff about the big stuff, but calls it small stuff guy.  a tidy person, but not a deep cleaner.  a handy man.  a hunter.  a good ear.  full blown ocd.  a talker.  a sensitive one [shhh].  a good friend to have. an amazing thank you note writer.  and a get it done now relax later dude.

sent to work.  and he went with a fall bouquet because "we got married in the fall"

breakfast for dinner.  his fave.  nice dinner friday.

the "pricey" champange in our wedding flutes.

and horrible bosses.

and i will leave you with this 1 yr anniversary gift, which i look at every morning and night.

oh and p.s. since the 2nd anniversary gift is "cotton" [i think that's the traditional one because i learned today that the modern is "china"] we got ourselves a second set of king pillows for the master and a new comforter for the guest [which was probably never meant for a 3rd roommate to sleep on].

here's to many more!

...

loss...and hope.

today, october 15th, is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.

you can read more about today here.

you can read my story here.

and, sadly, you can read more stories of loss...

here

here

here

and here.

no one is alone.  and there are so many more.

did you know?

According to a 2004 National Vital Statistics Report issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2000, 15.6% or 1,003,000 of the 6,401,000 pregnancies in the United States ended in either a miscarriage or stillbirth; the CDC also indicates that in 2003 the number of live births in the United States was 4,093,000; of those births, 27,500 ended in the death of an infant under the age of one.

today.  many are lighting candles in remembrance.  i thought this was pretty perfect.

 

i should clarify about my doctor.

do you ever feel guilty for cutting ties with someone, or asking someone else to do something because you know they'd do it better [not that the other person isn't doing a bad job, but you know it can be better]...

that's me.  i feel that way a lot.  it usually involves work.  you feel a certain loyalty to someone.  especially if they've been referred to you.

that's sort of how i feel with my doctor. 

don't get me wrong.  i like her, i do.  she delivered the news of the miscarriage professionally [maybe not as empathetic as i would have liked, but i'm sure that's a hard spot].  i trusted her with my d&c.  i was in good hands.  she answered my questions and listened to my concerns.  she was concerned about my emotional state following the m/c [and by concerned, i mean...she inquired about it and was willing to talk].  she called me personally.

but could she do more?

call it irrational, but i just get this feeling like i need to stick with her because she knows my history...the whole back story...she knows the steps we've taken. 

does she?  or am i just a chart?  if that's the case...i could be someone else's chart.  and i might just end up loving them.  because, right now, i just like her.

...

.....let's see what thursday brings.  but, i'm pretty sure i'm in the market for a new doctor.

oh and one more thing...

so i finally got to hang with some amazing gal pals [and their babies] this weekend.  it was much needed and so fun.  i didn't get any darn pictures.  so i was going to leave you with this:

and then, on pinterest, i came across the rest of these funnies.

hmmm...you sure it was tears?

 okay.  that's it for tonight.

 

my fertility crisis.

so my blogger friend and real-life gal pal, brooke at brook.etc, posted this.  in it, she explains that her doctor gave her an article, my fertility crisis...by holly finn (from the wsj).  for anyone struggling with [in]fertility...or just any woman or couple...it's a good read [and it has its funny moments].  no, i'm not even close to ivf and haven't even given it any thought.  no, i'm not in my forties.  yes, as it's been proven, i can get pregnant.  but this is an article to which i can relate.  

here are a few excerpts i enjoyed:

by no means would i call my situation a crisis [today yet].  someone i work with just explained it as "the world's giant let down every month".  i'd have to say that's right on.  let down followed by a breakdown.  and, yes, i know i've been pregnant [so this is a plus]...keeping it wasn't so easy though.  and i know that basically you start off scratch after a m/c, so technically we're looking at three months of trying post m/c...and i know that isn't very long.  but.  when it was that close...i think you want it that much more.  i'm rambling.

on another note...

so i go to my doc on thursday for a consultation. i haven't met with her since my post d&c check up [which i wouldn't even call a check up].  every time i call with a questions, i end up either leaving a voicemail or asking my question to, who i assume, is just a receptionist...maybe a nurse.  then, i get an answer in the form of a voicemail or i get part of my answer and i turn to my friend google for a little more.  i will let you know if i officially decide to change doctors after this appt...i'm seriously considering it.

so i'm writing every possible thought in my head down, even if i have a half answer already...and i'm ready to ask my questions!

first...i want her to make some sense of these.  i'm so diligent about it.  i even tried to take it at 3:30 in the a.m. because i was a little restless right as i woke up.  and it didn't appear to make a difference.  what the...

 then...i'm asking the following:

• what about my luteal phase?  length?  temp?
• can the low progesterone impact ovulation?
• is progesterone high enough even with prometrium?
• can i get blood work as soon as i get a +test?
• is my temp not rising because of my low progesterone?
• is prometrium supposed to make me feel like my dog just died...twice?
• does my temp only rise because of the prometrium?  
• can i get "day 21" bloodwork again...on the prometrium?
• is it just a coincidence that my sister is estrogen dominant with virtually no progesterone?  [her body turns it into cortisol]
• would you recommend anything else besides my current arsenal [pictured below]

1. ov test strips  2. the bible  3. prenatal vitamins  4. vitex  5. prometrium  6. guaifenesin  7. bb thermometer

 

words.

oh ya gotta love pinterest.

came across these two.  originally from lovely as a dream.

this word follows me, i swear.  hope.

...

home tour and favorite spaces.

so.  my gal pal and fellow blogger brooke over at brook.etc shared this post and it inspired me to give a little home tour.

that's the fun thing about blogging.  when you don't have much else going on [like, i don't know...a bun in the oven] it is nice to bounce some ideas of off fellow bloggy friends.

so here it is.  

the home of a menz.  

and my favorite places and spaces and pieces.

my $100 ikea mirror greets you.

my fall foyer.  i'm debating that picture.

 

foyer.

from foyer to main living area.  two bedrooms to the left of where i'm standing.  the door on the right is laundry.

from main hallway looking into "great room".

my fall mantle.

my most favorite piece.  hobby lobby.  i move it to a new place about once every three months.  although, now, i'm feeling like chevron is my new houndstooth.

looking into kitchen from near fireplace.  we installed the light and it is a fave.

other side of kitchen.  breakfast nook.  and the big light's little sister light.

another fave.  a birthday gift from my dad and step-mom.  i like certain pieces that stand out.  if you can't tell.

view looking out from kitchen.

hallway from great room to foyer.

from right of fireplace.  door on left is master.

master bathroom and my ahhhh-mazing bathtub.

master.  [taken with my bb because i ran out of battery and couldn't find my charger.  typical]

oh don't mind the sun-scorched landscaping.  it hasn't been the same since the heat hit.

i didn't include the two other rooms.  they're just not up to par yet.  one is a guest and the other is an.....office, i suppose?  we're never in there.  it pretty much houses remy's kennel.

and there she is :)

...