a short story.

not even all of my friends.family know this.  so deciding to share was something that left me torn [i literally lost sleep over it].  in the end...i decided, why not?  the discussion is so taboo and [while i understand why], i've decided to open the floodgates and share my story.  certainly not for anyone else.  and certainly not for you to feel sorry for us.  but because telling my story is therapeutic for me.

you really never know what a person might be going through 
[struggling with]...i keep this in mind every day.

april fools day 2011 | i just knew i was pregnant.  five months of trying.  took a test.  confirmed.  "fooled" jake by saying "not this month" over the phone, but surprised him when i got home.  in hind-site, i felt ridiculous silly for telling anyone about our news [a very small few].  but, then i later remembered the words of a friend who said it's okay to celebrate the little life...because that's certainly what it was.  a little life, with a heartbeat to prove it.  so celebrate we did.

mid april | first doctors appointment.  confirmed.  december 7th due date and a heartbeat.  first ultrasound pic.  sure was a peanut...more like a bean.  on.top.of.the.world.  as if my being pregnant wasn't enough to give me some giddy-up, my sister.in.law was just two weeks ahead of us!!

very early may | routine lab work revealed low progesterone.  doc wants a follow up ultrasound.  six days go by. tic.........toc.  anxious but feeling good.  no signs.

six days later | heartbroken.  completely let down.  our little one measured only six.and.a.half.weeks [should have been 9] and that little flicker of a heartbeat that we had already seen was no more.  what goes through the mind of an ultrasound tech as families are crumbling in front of them?  I opted for a d&c [i majorly struggled with this decision, but in the end i didn't think i could emotionally and physically handle miscarrying on my own without knowing when it would happen].  i know there are varying opinions about this and it was the best decision for me...at that time.

months to follow | many many rounds of labs under the belt and it appears that i have low progesterone [somewhere in the single digit range on a "peak day"] [most likely the cause of the mc].  subsequent lab results revealed no other major concerns [i couldn't even tell you what they tested...i'm honestly terrible at asking questions].  doc has me charting and taking prometrium after ovulation is detected. i've taken it upon myself to pop b6 and vitex...along with prenatals. we're optimistic...but i have my moments.

update: long story short...doc isn't convinced i am ovulating.  or if i am, it is weak.  beginning clomid next cycle.  fingers c r o s s e d.

update (12.28.11): we are p r e g n a n t!!!!  and no clomid necessary.  due july 1st!  wahoo.

"dwell in hope".  i saw that online somewhere and i'm trying to live by it.  i've been inspired by the strength of others who have suffered losses i can not even fathom.  but you have no idea how much it has helped me to read the blogs of others and hear the stories of friends and families who have been through a miscarriage.  their words have validated every feeling; jealousy, optimism, envy, guilt, hurt, fear.   there is optimism in there, i swear!

so that's our story...and it's just ours.  it's a short story.  because it's not over yet.
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