hope. patience. pray. repeat.

words of hope find their way to me.  friends send them.  i dog-ear things i see...or pin them.

my dear dear dear friend, audrey, "designed" this and sent it to me.  i made it my phone's wallpaper.  i love it.  a little reminder each time i get on my bb (which is a lot).

 

web surfing.

for anyone out there who's interested...some sites that i've found useful/comforting/enlightening as of late.

here is website dedicated to  spreading awareness of low progesterone in pregnancy.  it is filled with real life stories.

here is a website i posted a while back, but i thought i'd post again.  actual pictures of your "cervix cycle" in different stages and under different circumstances.  a real handy website if your charting.  maybe handy isn't a good word.

here is a miscarriage forum.  i find forums helpful some days and then not so helpful others.  i never share.  i just read.

 

to mourn an absence.

my blog friend and real life gal pal, brooke, sent me this quote after reading it in laura bush's memoir, spoken from the heart.

"the english language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' for the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not.  still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'i am sorry for your loss.' 

but for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. for those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

 

and so...

it begins.  things are underway and...we wait.

now, if i could just time warp.

and, yes...i realize that i've sort of dug myself into  a hole as far as the sharing of information goes.  and yes, i do realize this is a public blog and certain followers may expect certain information.  the hubs and i have had some in depth discussions about how much to share on the blog as far as "progress" goes.  because of our history with the miscarriage, we've decided it's best for our hopes and the hopes of those close to us [and any blog readers who care], that we wouldn't be sharing any news until we felt that we were in the clear [which, for me, could be like 9 months.  i kid].  so...for that reason, i may be fairly vague so as to not give news away either way.  i hope this makes sense and we hope you understand.


 

doc talk

so last week was my q and a with my doc.  i'm going to do my best to try to interpret her answers.  please note that i do not practice obstetrics and/or gynecology.

i've done a good job of charting.

but my charts perplexed her.

based on my temps compared to my LH surge, something is amiss.

she isn't convinced that i'm actually ovulating...

although i do have an LH surge.  [ehhhh....]

she's not seeing a definitive spike, rather a gradual increase

...and only after i start prometrium for that cycle.

or it's possible that i am, but my eggs are "weak".

weak eggs?  ok.

so it is possible to have an LH surge and not ovulate.

then there was something about the follicle...

which eventually becomes the corpus luteum [thanks kaitlin]...

which, then, has a hand in progesterone production...i think

we've concluded i'm progesterone deficient.

so this means i don't actually ovulate.

or that thing about the "weak eggs".

so, from here...

if i don't start...celebrations and a careful eye.

if i do...big bummer...but.

she'd like me to begin clomid

and i think come in for ultrasounds to keep an eye on ovulation.

there was so much information it's all blending together.

because i took my time and asked my questions

and she was as patient as can be.

and very easy to talk to.

and i trust her.

and so that's the plan.  i guess, i just have this thing about not being able to do this on my own right now.  or possibly not being able to do it on my own [or our own].  it's sort of the very thing that defines a lady. 

i feel a little broken.  like something is terribly wrong.  hopefully, it can be fixed.

cross.  your.  fingers.   and anything else that can be crossed.

 

i should clarify about my doctor.

do you ever feel guilty for cutting ties with someone, or asking someone else to do something because you know they'd do it better [not that the other person isn't doing a bad job, but you know it can be better]...

that's me.  i feel that way a lot.  it usually involves work.  you feel a certain loyalty to someone.  especially if they've been referred to you.

that's sort of how i feel with my doctor. 

don't get me wrong.  i like her, i do.  she delivered the news of the miscarriage professionally [maybe not as empathetic as i would have liked, but i'm sure that's a hard spot].  i trusted her with my d&c.  i was in good hands.  she answered my questions and listened to my concerns.  she was concerned about my emotional state following the m/c [and by concerned, i mean...she inquired about it and was willing to talk].  she called me personally.

but could she do more?

call it irrational, but i just get this feeling like i need to stick with her because she knows my history...the whole back story...she knows the steps we've taken. 

does she?  or am i just a chart?  if that's the case...i could be someone else's chart.  and i might just end up loving them.  because, right now, i just like her.

...

.....let's see what thursday brings.  but, i'm pretty sure i'm in the market for a new doctor.

my fertility crisis.

so my blogger friend and real-life gal pal, brooke at brook.etc, posted this.  in it, she explains that her doctor gave her an article, my fertility crisis...by holly finn (from the wsj).  for anyone struggling with [in]fertility...or just any woman or couple...it's a good read [and it has its funny moments].  no, i'm not even close to ivf and haven't even given it any thought.  no, i'm not in my forties.  yes, as it's been proven, i can get pregnant.  but this is an article to which i can relate.  

here are a few excerpts i enjoyed:

by no means would i call my situation a crisis [today yet].  someone i work with just explained it as "the world's giant let down every month".  i'd have to say that's right on.  let down followed by a breakdown.  and, yes, i know i've been pregnant [so this is a plus]...keeping it wasn't so easy though.  and i know that basically you start off scratch after a m/c, so technically we're looking at three months of trying post m/c...and i know that isn't very long.  but.  when it was that close...i think you want it that much more.  i'm rambling.

on another note...

so i go to my doc on thursday for a consultation. i haven't met with her since my post d&c check up [which i wouldn't even call a check up].  every time i call with a questions, i end up either leaving a voicemail or asking my question to, who i assume, is just a receptionist...maybe a nurse.  then, i get an answer in the form of a voicemail or i get part of my answer and i turn to my friend google for a little more.  i will let you know if i officially decide to change doctors after this appt...i'm seriously considering it.

so i'm writing every possible thought in my head down, even if i have a half answer already...and i'm ready to ask my questions!

first...i want her to make some sense of these.  i'm so diligent about it.  i even tried to take it at 3:30 in the a.m. because i was a little restless right as i woke up.  and it didn't appear to make a difference.  what the...

 then...i'm asking the following:

• what about my luteal phase?  length?  temp?
• can the low progesterone impact ovulation?
• is progesterone high enough even with prometrium?
• can i get blood work as soon as i get a +test?
• is my temp not rising because of my low progesterone?
• is prometrium supposed to make me feel like my dog just died...twice?
• does my temp only rise because of the prometrium?  
• can i get "day 21" bloodwork again...on the prometrium?
• is it just a coincidence that my sister is estrogen dominant with virtually no progesterone?  [her body turns it into cortisol]
• would you recommend anything else besides my current arsenal [pictured below]

1. ov test strips  2. the bible  3. prenatal vitamins  4. vitex  5. prometrium  6. guaifenesin  7. bb thermometer

 

superstition.

what a funny word that is | superstition.

like wearing your lucky undies for a big interview.  or having a feeling a special guy is coming your way because you had a dream about...i don't know...a featherless chicken [ok that's off the wall, but you get my point].

is the writing really on the wall, like mr. stevie wonder says? 

been thinking a lot about it lately because i feel like little superstitious tid-bits keep flying my way.  i mean, what's in a dream?  does anyone ever have dreams that come true?  like, regularly?  and do we people in reading the future, people?  i don't know.

here are a few of those superstitious little snippets that have come across my desk:

• a friend had a dream that i was having a boy
• another friend had a dream i was having twins and that she went to the ultrasound with me
• another friend had a dream that i was found out i was pregnant at 20 weeks [yikes]
• a coworker, who predicted my 1st pregnancy...down to when i would announce it (which i never actually got to do), has told me i would be pregnant by thanksgiving.  this, coming from her "fortune telling" aunt who knows my story.  the aunt who made a living off telling fortunes, reading tarot cards and palms. 
• i had a fortune cookie tell me, "your focus will be on family in the coming months".  this, i received on the heels of another fortune cookie that said, "shift your focus to your family this year".

are you superstitious?  i just don't know.  i think the little "glass half empty" side of me is telling me not to get my hopes up.  

but, on the other hand...

the two week wait.

[or 2ww in the infertility world]

welp.  i used an opk and also charted and we were go for launch riiiiight on day 14.

jake wasn't out of town this time, so that was a plus...if you know what i mean.

i'm back to taking the prometrium, which makes me sleep amazingly [bonus].

and now.......we wait.

it's times like these when my mom's words ring in my head..."patience is a virtue".  patience ...and deep breathing.

it will happen.


p.s. i threw a baby shower for my sister in law at my house this last weekend.  you can see some pics here at paige's paradise, but i plan to do a post soon!  hudson is due on thanksgiving day.  our first nephew!

 

blogging for a giveaway

holy moly, i want to win one of these.  if i blog about it, i get 5 chances to enter the giveaway.

a friend sent me a link to aint no mom jeans [a really great blog].  she experienced a miscarriage prior to her first baby and, like me, was convinced something was terribly wrong with her "machinery"...if you will.  the giveaway is for the ov-watch fertility predictor.  apparently, it works because this blogger is preggers. 

here is the link to the giveaway with info about the ov-watch! 

wish me luck.  i hope i win one!  $130 value.

...

from 'why me' to 'not just me'.

i've said it before, and i will say it again...blogging has been an amazing outlet for me.

not only am i able to vent, express, scream, cry, rejoice, brag and decompress about my day to day, but i have also connected with some amazing bloggers too.  bonus.

a blogger contacted me today and said they came across my blog via google search for prometrium.  she had nice things to say about making.a.menz and then i visited her blog.  and i was hooked.  i felt like i could have written her posts.  and i felt just like she did [a little stuck].  and then, after reading on...i felt normal.  [ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

because these other bloggers, who have had difficulty trying to conceive...or who have suffered a miscarriage...or the loss of a child...or people who have shared successes and roadblocks, have been
e x t r a o r d i n a r i l y helpful for my soul.

'why me' is really...it's not just me.  i'm not alone.  even strangers know what i'm going through.  and that feels like such a relief.