it's a toss up.

somehow jake has talked me into not finding out what this little bean is.

...and while i've fought him on this, i do think it will be the coolest thing ever.  i just picture jake walking out to tell family, "it's a _____!!!"  i'm a little antsy about the nursery...and clothes...and names, but eh...we'll figure it out.  my parents did.  three times.

so, i've added a fun little pole to the right.  we'll see.

and on that note:  if anyone has an idea of some name we can call the baby until then, instead of "it"...throw 'em out there.


hope floats. first 13 weeks.

first, thanks for the kind words.
thanks for the prayers and thanks for the words of encouragement.
when i say words can't express how we feel, i mean it.
here are the facts:

i am 13 weeks today. 
due july 1.
and it has been a roller coaster.
let me just give you a lengthy brief synopsis:

i took the test the day aunt flow was supposed to show.  i really didn't think it was possible.  remember this post?  the doctor didn't seem to think i was ovulating.  i told my sister i was going to wal-greens to just pick a few things up and she said, "why don't you just get a test...just to see".  so i did.  and....

that was saturday, october 22.  p.s., i never started the clomid.  didn't have to.  i totally caught jake off guard and shoved the stick in his face and said, "tell me what you think this means".  he didn't say a whole lot.  i didn't either.  we had a mini celebration in our bathroom, but we were...of course...guarded.

that night, we went to watch the cards game at a friend's house and one visit to the ladies room sent me in a tailspin because i had spotted...a little.  but there isn't a pregnant lady out there who wouldn't feel uneasy at the sight of blood.  so i had a major slight internal meltdown and then just told myself, "it is what it is and i can't change it" and i tried to talk myself off the cliff.  that was all saturday.  i never had cramps, the spotting never turned to bleeding and nothing got worse....so i had a little hope.  a little.

that monday, i called my doctor the minute they opened.  i was four weeks.  i explained the spotting and they got me in that afternoon.  on my lunch, i went to have blood drawn to get an early handle on my progesterone and see where the hcg was going.  jake swindled his was out of work and we had our first appointment.  it was clearly too early to see anything, so no ultrasound but she did an exam and said everything "felt" right.  my levels came back great...hcg was through the roof and my progesterone was looking great [mind you, i was taking 200 mg prometrium per day].  my doctor seemed pleased.  there were congratulations thrown around, which lowered my anxiety level a bit.  but....we were still guarded.

she wanted to see me in about a week and a half for an ultrasound, pending hcg levels were high enough.  sure enough, they were, and i visited the imaging center at 5 1/2 weeks.  it was all there...except for a heartbeat.  deep breathing and some kind words from the stenographer got me through that appointment.  it was most likely just too early to see anything.  "it will probably start beating tomorrow", she said.  ......ok.

that weekend, jake went hunting.  i stayed home.  crafted.  got a lot done, until....i visited the bathroom and saw bleeding.  not spotting.  red bleeding.  of course, my mind spiraled into worse case scenario mode and i was sure i was miscarrying.  alone.  i called jake and my sister...who told me to call my doctor's emergency line.  duh.  why hadn't i done that.  she immedaitely called me back and i explained what was happening.  she was so calming and reassuring.  she had just gotten a third round of my bloodwork back the previous friday evening and said my hcg was outstanding.  she said she would be worried if it had come back low, but she didn't seem too concerned.  again, i thought my world was ending.  jake came home early.  i didn't sleep that weekend.  but again, nothing ever got worse.  i continued to bleed but i never had a cramp.  doc said to call if it got worse, otherwise, come in monday.

so monday finally came.  she squeezed us in before noon for an ultrasound.  i'm not sure i breathed the entire day.  it sounds terrible, but i went into the appointment telling myself it was over.  to break my own fall.  but, with one wave of her "magic wand" [you know what i'm talking about ladies] and there it was.  a perfect, healthy, tiny heartbeat.  going strong!!!  over the moon.  elated.  hopeful.  guarded still?  of course.

i was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage, or hematoma.  you can read more here.  but that is what caused my bleeding.  i've read, in what to expect, that only 1% of pregnancies are affected.  my doctor didn't seem too concerned.  she monitored it every two weeks and, i guess, it eventually resolved itself.  i haven't spotted since about 8 weeks.

at 8 weeks we did another ultrasound and things were looking great.  still a perfect heartbeat and still a growing little one, measuring just one day behind.  

a picture of a picture.  the baby is vertical with the dotted line through it.
2 weeks later, we went back again, this time for a doppler.  that was december 7.  our due date with our previous pregnancy.  i had mixed feelings about the day and felt uneasy, like it could be a bad omen.  turns out, we were able to hear the perfect, speedy whoosh.  and the little bean was just bouncing from one side to another.  and it was exactly what i needed that day. 

so that brings us to today.  my doctor didn't feel the need see me again at 12 weeks.  i almost begged for an appointment, but then i didn't.  i needed a chance to breathe, enjoy the news we've had so far, celebrate by finally telling family...without the anxiety of another appointment building up.

it's christmas in new york.  i'm with family.  it feels real and i feel really optimistic.  it's been touch and go these first few weeks, but we're nearing the end of the hump.  ...and that's how i know hope floats.



hope floats.

yes, that's right. 
and i have so much to say...

but i will leave it at that, for now.

[holiday card by blue heeler designs.  pics by emilie at plan.lead.organize.control]



diy coasters.

another pinterest craft.  i decided to make these for a few christmas gifts.

everything was purchased at lowes, with the exception of the card stock/scrapbook paper.  the guy at lowes was seriously so helpful.  i explained what i was doing and he said that two other people had been in asking for similar items.  so, he lead me right to what i needed and even reminded me that i was going to need the little felt pads to put on the bottom...pretty good, right?

rather than buying the reallllly plain and cheap $.89 tiles, i went for the box of 8 for $4.50.  they're a little more substantial and i liked the look much better.  oh ya, this link, tells you to use resin?  well, the lowes guy didn't know what i was talking about, but said any waterproof finish would do.

attach 4x4 card stock with mod podge.  then apply 2-3 coats of waterproof finish.
add your felt pads.
these were my favs.
the purple one is for a coworker who requested one.



diy chalkboard wine glasses.

found these on pinterest.  duh.  link here.  i made them for my step.mom, who is a wino.

first, tape it off with painter's tape.
step two.  don't do this.  i started without priming them and this is how the paint looked.
so the real step two is to use a spray primer f i r s t.
then finish the chalkboard paint.

a few other tips:
--i couldn't find it, but spray chalkboard paint would have probably been more handy
--spray primer was easy as pie
--if you only have regular chalkboard paint, be patient.  it will smooth out with each coat
--buy $1 glasses from the dollar store
--be v e r y careful when pulling off the tape.  i went too fast on the first one and it peeled some of the chalkboard paint off



our wittle nephew.

these pics are about a week old, but adorable, nonetheless.  just a little sunday visit to my s.i.l.'s to see mr. hudson.

finally captured uncle jake loving on him.
i mean, seriously, so cute.
jake wasn't so sure, so his sister had to step in.
he's such a squeaker.
hi.  i look like my daddy.



sneak peak

just had to give a sneak peak of our christmas card.  
remy photographed so well.  
she even smiled :)
thanks to my good friend, emilie, at plan.lead.organize.control for taking our pics!



wild friday.

watch out.  i'm getting crazy tonight.


i'm a lonely hunter's wife tonight...and i am loving it.  yes, of course, i would always love to have jake around, but i don't mind quiet nights like these.

my plan:

eat crazy bowls and wraps.  jake doesn't care for it, so i only get it when he's not involved.

watch these.  the change up and our idiot brother.

craft with this paper.  can't say what yet.

snuggle with this one.

my fav blanket and my fav cuddler.

 p.s. a tip for the cold and flu season - buy a vaporizor!  my mom, a respiratory therapist, recommended it to me because of the terrible cough...and i didn't cough one bit last night.  mine also has this vicks vapor rub strips that go in it and it makes for an excellently warm vicks vapor mist.
this is the one i bought (minus the pediatric).  $16+ at target.



just, thanks.

flowers and cards and the sweetest, most thoughtful messages.
we have the best friends and families.

all i can say is thanks.  just, thanks!


in other news...i have a terrible, terrible cough.  and today, a student said, "mrs. menz, i will give you the lime-lick maneuber [heimlich maneuver]".  oh kids.

...seriously all i ate today was cough drops.  seems like this time of year, i always get this wicked cough.  luckily, i feel ok.  i just have a smoker's hack.  anyone else catch the nasties, yet?




today, we we aren't where we thought we'd be.
today, we aren't bringing home a little one.
today, we're not even preparing for a little one.
today, i don't have a giant belly, stretchmarks or swollen feet.
today, i'd give anything for that.
today, a little piece of me isn't the same.
today, i'm not sure how to feel.
today, i feel glad knowing i've shared.
today, i understand that it's just a page in our story.
today, i'm going to put it all behind me but still manage to keep it close
... and be hopeful for tomorrow.



christmas countdown.

13.5 work days until christmas break!!!

just thought i'd share.
[and, yes, that deserved it's own post.]


a doozy of a week/weekend

i've allowed myself one lazy lazy day today, because today ends one crazy week.

mon-fri:  if you know anything about sped paperwork and meetings, then you know that f.i.v.e. ieps in one week is just crazy.  for some reason, i did that to myself because i am case manager on all but one.  the upside?  i have none this week.  i also had the great privilege of having to get the car's oil changed.  i'm not sure there's anything i despise more.

wed:  i also had to find time for a little shopping.  for me.  had to find a cute dress for jake's office christmas party.  scored two at francesca's.  decided on one.  i guess i will return the other.

thur:  dinner at an amazing steak house called citizen kane's....on jake's account manager's dime.  jake had the filet and i had beef tenderloin with a brandy/mushroom reduction, an amazing salad, potatoes and...we couldn't pass on the chocolate chip cheesecake.  yum.  so hard to eat right during the holidays.  impossible, really.

fri:  we crashed.  i was spent.  we made a palate on the floor right in front of the t.v. and snuggled with remy (my fav) and watched dinner for schmucks [not my fav].

sat:  lolly-gagged around the house.  finished outside christmas lights.  shopped for jake's party outfit [scored big at kohl's].  this boy is big and tall.  16.5 in. neck, 36-37 arm length.  turns out marc anthony makes a great fitted dress shirt in precisely that size with no buttons on the collar [jake's major no].  then, we headed off to the old oprah house in downtown st. charles for an evening of mixing and mingling with jake's coworkers.  i, was s o b e r.  with our current efforts to expand our family, i've given up on alcohol.  so, if you know me...you might know that shooting the breeze with strangers when i'm stone cold sober isn't exactly my idea of a good time.  especially, when jake is mr. cogeniality.  thankfully, jake works with chris, whose wife happens to be my gal pal and we had eachother.  seriously though, i really do love that jake loves his work environment.  it's a great company to work for and they take care of their employees.  the night ended when the bars closed and i got everyone home safely.  people sure do love to question why you're not drinking.
terrible pic.  what did you expect?

3/4 length sleeve dress with cut out back (should have taken more pics...and not on my BB) and necklace from francesca's.  blazer from old navy.  jake decked out in kohl's from head to toe.  marc anthony to be exact.

sun:  it was a late night, so we had a lazy day.  there's been a lot of housewives watching going on.  jake's moving a little slow.  it is nice not to be hungover.
my view from the couch all day.
this week:  i plan to craft some christmas presents, do some christmas shopping....and visit little hudson.
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