"it's ok mommy. god adopted her"

what an amazing read | heaven is for real.

spoiler alert.

i smiled reading the prologue when colton began to explain that he had sat in jesus' lap.

i cried in chapter twelve when little colton described jesus.  a barely four.year.old said, "his eyes...oh, dad, his eyes were so pretty".

and my jaw dropped in chapter seventeen when, during his brief time in heaven, colton discovered that he had not one but two two sisters.  the second, whom he had never met.  until he visited heaven, that is.  when she told him that she died in his mommy's tummy; a loss of which colton was too young to know or understand.

of course his mother inquired further and colton explained his sister's features, told his parent she had the tiniest wings and assured them that she was ok, because god had adopted her.  when his parents asked about her name, colton explained that she didn't have one because they had never named her.

heaven is real, people.

there are three things that i've majorly struggled with after my miscarriage.  1.  what happened next?, 2.  i would have died to know the sex and 3. am i crazy to feel so much loss?

even if, let's say, colton's account of heaven and the people there, isn't real.  and somehow, this four.year.old dreamed up this depiction of heaven and everyone there while under anesthisia.  and that his account is just a conglomeration of words and pictures he's come across in his four short years on the planet.  let's just say, he didn't really meet his sister who passed away in his mommy's tummy. 

even if...it still brings me so much comfort to have a little snapshot in my head of what may have happened next...and the feeling that someday i will find out of it were a boy or a girl [and be able to name him/her].  and that maybe god has adopted all the little ones in heaven...just like colton's sister 

i'm not sure why i sometimes feel like it isn't ok to feel loss.  because other times, i think, why wouldn't i?  in those nine weeks we had big dreams for that little bean.  and up until that ultrasound, for all we knew, it was going to grow to be our little one.  that's no different than a baby who is actually born thriving...ready to grow.

so much about this book brought me relief...and i'm not even finished.  i actually couldn't wait to wake up and blog about it as i set it on my nightstand last night.  i'm not sure why i am just now reading this.  i recommend!