hope floats. first 13 weeks.

first, thanks for the kind words.
thanks for the prayers and thanks for the words of encouragement.
when i say words can't express how we feel, i mean it.
here are the facts:

i am 13 weeks today. 
due july 1.
and it has been a roller coaster.
let me just give you a lengthy brief synopsis:

i took the test the day aunt flow was supposed to show.  i really didn't think it was possible.  remember this post?  the doctor didn't seem to think i was ovulating.  i told my sister i was going to wal-greens to just pick a few things up and she said, "why don't you just get a test...just to see".  so i did.  and....

that was saturday, october 22.  p.s., i never started the clomid.  didn't have to.  i totally caught jake off guard and shoved the stick in his face and said, "tell me what you think this means".  he didn't say a whole lot.  i didn't either.  we had a mini celebration in our bathroom, but we were...of course...guarded.

that night, we went to watch the cards game at a friend's house and one visit to the ladies room sent me in a tailspin because i had spotted...a little.  but there isn't a pregnant lady out there who wouldn't feel uneasy at the sight of blood.  so i had a major slight internal meltdown and then just told myself, "it is what it is and i can't change it" and i tried to talk myself off the cliff.  that was all saturday.  i never had cramps, the spotting never turned to bleeding and nothing got worse....so i had a little hope.  a little.

that monday, i called my doctor the minute they opened.  i was four weeks.  i explained the spotting and they got me in that afternoon.  on my lunch, i went to have blood drawn to get an early handle on my progesterone and see where the hcg was going.  jake swindled his was out of work and we had our first appointment.  it was clearly too early to see anything, so no ultrasound but she did an exam and said everything "felt" right.  my levels came back great...hcg was through the roof and my progesterone was looking great [mind you, i was taking 200 mg prometrium per day].  my doctor seemed pleased.  there were congratulations thrown around, which lowered my anxiety level a bit.  but....we were still guarded.

she wanted to see me in about a week and a half for an ultrasound, pending hcg levels were high enough.  sure enough, they were, and i visited the imaging center at 5 1/2 weeks.  it was all there...except for a heartbeat.  deep breathing and some kind words from the stenographer got me through that appointment.  it was most likely just too early to see anything.  "it will probably start beating tomorrow", she said.  ......ok.

that weekend, jake went hunting.  i stayed home.  crafted.  got a lot done, until....i visited the bathroom and saw bleeding.  not spotting.  red bleeding.  of course, my mind spiraled into worse case scenario mode and i was sure i was miscarrying.  alone.  i called jake and my sister...who told me to call my doctor's emergency line.  duh.  why hadn't i done that.  she immedaitely called me back and i explained what was happening.  she was so calming and reassuring.  she had just gotten a third round of my bloodwork back the previous friday evening and said my hcg was outstanding.  she said she would be worried if it had come back low, but she didn't seem too concerned.  again, i thought my world was ending.  jake came home early.  i didn't sleep that weekend.  but again, nothing ever got worse.  i continued to bleed but i never had a cramp.  doc said to call if it got worse, otherwise, come in monday.

so monday finally came.  she squeezed us in before noon for an ultrasound.  i'm not sure i breathed the entire day.  it sounds terrible, but i went into the appointment telling myself it was over.  to break my own fall.  but, with one wave of her "magic wand" [you know what i'm talking about ladies] and there it was.  a perfect, healthy, tiny heartbeat.  going strong!!!  over the moon.  elated.  hopeful.  guarded still?  of course.

i was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage, or hematoma.  you can read more here.  but that is what caused my bleeding.  i've read, in what to expect, that only 1% of pregnancies are affected.  my doctor didn't seem too concerned.  she monitored it every two weeks and, i guess, it eventually resolved itself.  i haven't spotted since about 8 weeks.

at 8 weeks we did another ultrasound and things were looking great.  still a perfect heartbeat and still a growing little one, measuring just one day behind.  

a picture of a picture.  the baby is vertical with the dotted line through it.

2 weeks later, we went back again, this time for a doppler.  that was december 7.  our due date with our previous pregnancy.  i had mixed feelings about the day and felt uneasy, like it could be a bad omen.  turns out, we were able to hear the perfect, speedy whoosh.  and the little bean was just bouncing from one side to another.  and it was exactly what i needed that day. 

so that brings us to today.  my doctor didn't feel the need see me again at 12 weeks.  i almost begged for an appointment, but then i didn't.  i needed a chance to breathe, enjoy the news we've had so far, celebrate by finally telling family...without the anxiety of another appointment building up.

it's christmas in new york.  i'm with family.  it feels real and i feel really optimistic.  it's been touch and go these first few weeks, but we're nearing the end of the hump.  ...and that's how i know hope floats.