hope floats. first 13 weeks.

first, thanks for the kind words.
thanks for the prayers and thanks for the words of encouragement.
when i say words can't express how we feel, i mean it.
here are the facts:

i am 13 weeks today. 
due july 1.
and it has been a roller coaster.
let me just give you a lengthy brief synopsis:

i took the test the day aunt flow was supposed to show.  i really didn't think it was possible.  remember this post?  the doctor didn't seem to think i was ovulating.  i told my sister i was going to wal-greens to just pick a few things up and she said, "why don't you just get a test...just to see".  so i did.  and....

that was saturday, october 22.  p.s., i never started the clomid.  didn't have to.  i totally caught jake off guard and shoved the stick in his face and said, "tell me what you think this means".  he didn't say a whole lot.  i didn't either.  we had a mini celebration in our bathroom, but we were...of course...guarded.

that night, we went to watch the cards game at a friend's house and one visit to the ladies room sent me in a tailspin because i had spotted...a little.  but there isn't a pregnant lady out there who wouldn't feel uneasy at the sight of blood.  so i had a major slight internal meltdown and then just told myself, "it is what it is and i can't change it" and i tried to talk myself off the cliff.  that was all saturday.  i never had cramps, the spotting never turned to bleeding and nothing got worse....so i had a little hope.  a little.

that monday, i called my doctor the minute they opened.  i was four weeks.  i explained the spotting and they got me in that afternoon.  on my lunch, i went to have blood drawn to get an early handle on my progesterone and see where the hcg was going.  jake swindled his was out of work and we had our first appointment.  it was clearly too early to see anything, so no ultrasound but she did an exam and said everything "felt" right.  my levels came back great...hcg was through the roof and my progesterone was looking great [mind you, i was taking 200 mg prometrium per day].  my doctor seemed pleased.  there were congratulations thrown around, which lowered my anxiety level a bit.  but....we were still guarded.

she wanted to see me in about a week and a half for an ultrasound, pending hcg levels were high enough.  sure enough, they were, and i visited the imaging center at 5 1/2 weeks.  it was all there...except for a heartbeat.  deep breathing and some kind words from the stenographer got me through that appointment.  it was most likely just too early to see anything.  "it will probably start beating tomorrow", she said.  ......ok.

that weekend, jake went hunting.  i stayed home.  crafted.  got a lot done, until....i visited the bathroom and saw bleeding.  not spotting.  red bleeding.  of course, my mind spiraled into worse case scenario mode and i was sure i was miscarrying.  alone.  i called jake and my sister...who told me to call my doctor's emergency line.  duh.  why hadn't i done that.  she immedaitely called me back and i explained what was happening.  she was so calming and reassuring.  she had just gotten a third round of my bloodwork back the previous friday evening and said my hcg was outstanding.  she said she would be worried if it had come back low, but she didn't seem too concerned.  again, i thought my world was ending.  jake came home early.  i didn't sleep that weekend.  but again, nothing ever got worse.  i continued to bleed but i never had a cramp.  doc said to call if it got worse, otherwise, come in monday.

so monday finally came.  she squeezed us in before noon for an ultrasound.  i'm not sure i breathed the entire day.  it sounds terrible, but i went into the appointment telling myself it was over.  to break my own fall.  but, with one wave of her "magic wand" [you know what i'm talking about ladies] and there it was.  a perfect, healthy, tiny heartbeat.  going strong!!!  over the moon.  elated.  hopeful.  guarded still?  of course.

i was diagnosed with a subchorionic hemorrhage, or hematoma.  you can read more here.  but that is what caused my bleeding.  i've read, in what to expect, that only 1% of pregnancies are affected.  my doctor didn't seem too concerned.  she monitored it every two weeks and, i guess, it eventually resolved itself.  i haven't spotted since about 8 weeks.

at 8 weeks we did another ultrasound and things were looking great.  still a perfect heartbeat and still a growing little one, measuring just one day behind.  

a picture of a picture.  the baby is vertical with the dotted line through it.

2 weeks later, we went back again, this time for a doppler.  that was december 7.  our due date with our previous pregnancy.  i had mixed feelings about the day and felt uneasy, like it could be a bad omen.  turns out, we were able to hear the perfect, speedy whoosh.  and the little bean was just bouncing from one side to another.  and it was exactly what i needed that day. 

so that brings us to today.  my doctor didn't feel the need see me again at 12 weeks.  i almost begged for an appointment, but then i didn't.  i needed a chance to breathe, enjoy the news we've had so far, celebrate by finally telling family...without the anxiety of another appointment building up.

it's christmas in new york.  i'm with family.  it feels real and i feel really optimistic.  it's been touch and go these first few weeks, but we're nearing the end of the hump.  ...and that's how i know hope floats.

 

web surfing.

for anyone out there who's interested...some sites that i've found useful/comforting/enlightening as of late.

here is website dedicated to  spreading awareness of low progesterone in pregnancy.  it is filled with real life stories.

here is a website i posted a while back, but i thought i'd post again.  actual pictures of your "cervix cycle" in different stages and under different circumstances.  a real handy website if your charting.  maybe handy isn't a good word.

here is a miscarriage forum.  i find forums helpful some days and then not so helpful others.  i never share.  i just read.

 

doc talk

so last week was my q and a with my doc.  i'm going to do my best to try to interpret her answers.  please note that i do not practice obstetrics and/or gynecology.

i've done a good job of charting.

but my charts perplexed her.

based on my temps compared to my LH surge, something is amiss.

she isn't convinced that i'm actually ovulating...

although i do have an LH surge.  [ehhhh....]

she's not seeing a definitive spike, rather a gradual increase

...and only after i start prometrium for that cycle.

or it's possible that i am, but my eggs are "weak".

weak eggs?  ok.

so it is possible to have an LH surge and not ovulate.

then there was something about the follicle...

which eventually becomes the corpus luteum [thanks kaitlin]...

which, then, has a hand in progesterone production...i think

we've concluded i'm progesterone deficient.

so this means i don't actually ovulate.

or that thing about the "weak eggs".

so, from here...

if i don't start...celebrations and a careful eye.

if i do...big bummer...but.

she'd like me to begin clomid

and i think come in for ultrasounds to keep an eye on ovulation.

there was so much information it's all blending together.

because i took my time and asked my questions

and she was as patient as can be.

and very easy to talk to.

and i trust her.

and so that's the plan.  i guess, i just have this thing about not being able to do this on my own right now.  or possibly not being able to do it on my own [or our own].  it's sort of the very thing that defines a lady. 

i feel a little broken.  like something is terribly wrong.  hopefully, it can be fixed.

cross.  your.  fingers.   and anything else that can be crossed.

 

my fertility crisis.

so my blogger friend and real-life gal pal, brooke at brook.etc, posted this.  in it, she explains that her doctor gave her an article, my fertility crisis...by holly finn (from the wsj).  for anyone struggling with [in]fertility...or just any woman or couple...it's a good read [and it has its funny moments].  no, i'm not even close to ivf and haven't even given it any thought.  no, i'm not in my forties.  yes, as it's been proven, i can get pregnant.  but this is an article to which i can relate.  

here are a few excerpts i enjoyed:

by no means would i call my situation a crisis [today yet].  someone i work with just explained it as "the world's giant let down every month".  i'd have to say that's right on.  let down followed by a breakdown.  and, yes, i know i've been pregnant [so this is a plus]...keeping it wasn't so easy though.  and i know that basically you start off scratch after a m/c, so technically we're looking at three months of trying post m/c...and i know that isn't very long.  but.  when it was that close...i think you want it that much more.  i'm rambling.

on another note...

so i go to my doc on thursday for a consultation. i haven't met with her since my post d&c check up [which i wouldn't even call a check up].  every time i call with a questions, i end up either leaving a voicemail or asking my question to, who i assume, is just a receptionist...maybe a nurse.  then, i get an answer in the form of a voicemail or i get part of my answer and i turn to my friend google for a little more.  i will let you know if i officially decide to change doctors after this appt...i'm seriously considering it.

so i'm writing every possible thought in my head down, even if i have a half answer already...and i'm ready to ask my questions!

first...i want her to make some sense of these.  i'm so diligent about it.  i even tried to take it at 3:30 in the a.m. because i was a little restless right as i woke up.  and it didn't appear to make a difference.  what the...

 then...i'm asking the following:

• what about my luteal phase?  length?  temp?
• can the low progesterone impact ovulation?
• is progesterone high enough even with prometrium?
• can i get blood work as soon as i get a +test?
• is my temp not rising because of my low progesterone?
• is prometrium supposed to make me feel like my dog just died...twice?
• does my temp only rise because of the prometrium?  
• can i get "day 21" bloodwork again...on the prometrium?
• is it just a coincidence that my sister is estrogen dominant with virtually no progesterone?  [her body turns it into cortisol]
• would you recommend anything else besides my current arsenal [pictured below]

1. ov test strips  2. the bible  3. prenatal vitamins  4. vitex  5. prometrium  6. guaifenesin  7. bb thermometer

 

the two week wait.

[or 2ww in the infertility world]

welp.  i used an opk and also charted and we were go for launch riiiiight on day 14.

jake wasn't out of town this time, so that was a plus...if you know what i mean.

i'm back to taking the prometrium, which makes me sleep amazingly [bonus].

and now.......we wait.

it's times like these when my mom's words ring in my head..."patience is a virtue".  patience ...and deep breathing.

it will happen.


p.s. i threw a baby shower for my sister in law at my house this last weekend.  you can see some pics here at paige's paradise, but i plan to do a post soon!  hudson is due on thanksgiving day.  our first nephew!

 

awkward and awesome [and sick] thursday.

not a whole lot of new around here.  just drained from fighting off my first cold of the school year [it came on quick  - not even a week after the first day].

[yawn]

|awkward|

experiencing a cough attack during a meeting and being so far from the door through which to excuse myself.  the speaker had to refrain from talking until i left.

the fever blister that continues to linger, from last week's a & a...remember the talking stain?  these things are a curse!

not being able to spit out "speech language pathologist" as i introduced myself to a parent...actually, that's more ironic than awkward.

having a drunk guy ask me what i do and then say, "i need therapy when i'm drunk"...if i had a dime for every time i heard that.

being flipped off by a 1st grader.  she barely has any expressive language, but she sure picks up signs well.

being asked three times to be fb friends with someone.  did they forget they asked or are they really this persistent?  or are they just trying to prove a point now?

the glare i gave to the lady at schnuck's who didn't have one nice thing to say to the pharmacist about being pregnant [if it isn't the back pain, it's the peeing and if it isn't that - it's the sweating... she went on and on].  i'd kill to be in your shoes, lady.  if you only knew.

the gag face i make when downing cough syrup...or gargling salt water.  i can't do it.

|awesome|

my three.year.old niece's length.  she sure didn't get it from our side.

my new ipod and its pedometer.  i walked over 4000 steps today.

my birthday spending money.  can you say shopping spree?

having a full hour of plan time first thing in the morning.

seeing a student sign more,please and ready for the first time [not the same student who used the inappropriate sign].

_____________________________________________

that's about it.  like i said, not much going on here.  cd...25, i think?  trying not to be too crazy and remember, jake was out of town during the time my doc "suspects" ov.  immaculate conception?  a girl can dream.

thinking of starting vitex but not sure its advised to take vitex while on prometrium.  need to call doc.  if that's the case...torn.  part of me wants to try the vitex [natural] route, which is known to regulate progesterone production.  but prometrium isn't synthetic.  but what if the vitex would work?  now, i'm rambling...but that's my current thought process.


 

dips and peaks.

thought i had it figured out and was actually semi-excited to start charting and have a better understanding of everything below the belt.  thought it would be easy...wake up, take temp, chart, wait for ov, take prometrium, repeat [unless it worked!].  and this is what i've been looking at...

normal...normal...normal...peak!, then dip?

compare it to this "normal" chart. ...granted...what is normal?

mind you the major peak day was a day i slept in.  not the same time i typically take the temp [which does impact].  what does it all mean?  i'm faxing this to the doc tomorrow...did i ovulate?  do i start the prometrium?  but if i didn't ov yet, am i stopping it with the prometrium?  did it dip because i hadn't taken the prometrium yet?  i don't see a distinct coverline [charting jargon].  so many questions.  any other charters have oddities like this?  i have to keep reminding myself that i am learning a lot and this is beneficial!

so i will end with this, as i discuss dips and peaks.

my dip for today:  feeling discouraged as i look at this.
my peak:  getting a really nice and reinforcing compliment from my principal and making it through the first day of pulling my kids for services.  they're so cute!

what were your dips and peaks?