pregnancy and infant loss

today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.
so i just had to post in honor of some itty bitty lives.
...and feel happy that i've shared our story.

i thought maybe when drew came, that i'd tuck that page of our story in the back of my mind and think about it every december 7th, only.  but the truth is, with the constant reminder of such a precious little one, i think of that heartbeat every day.

so, while life goes on...and another little itty bitty life filled a deep hole in our hearts...i will keep that little heartbeat close to mine.  always.

...

today.

today, we we aren't where we thought we'd be.

today, we aren't bringing home a little one.

today, we're not even preparing for a little one.

today, i don't have a giant belly, stretchmarks or swollen feet.

today, i'd give anything for that.

today, a little piece of me isn't the same.

today, i'm not sure how to feel.

today, i feel glad knowing i've shared.

today, i understand that it's just a page in our story.

today, i'm going to put it all behind me but still manage to keep it close
... and be hopeful for tomorrow.

 

how is it possible?

how is it possible that i read these two stories within the same sitting...

both so tragic.  one, at the hand of his own mother.  the other, at the hand of god.

i had heard the uproar of this story, but hadn't read much about the details.  how could anyone do that to their own child?  for doing what babies do.  there are so many alternatives to unraveling completely.  hard to wrap my mind around it when it's something i want so badly.

and then there's this one.  a pint-sized little fighter.  and it's so beautifully written.

to mourn an absence.

my blog friend and real life gal pal, brooke, sent me this quote after reading it in laura bush's memoir, spoken from the heart.

"the english language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' for the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not.  still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'i am sorry for your loss.' 

but for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. for those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

 

loss...and hope.

today, october 15th, is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.

you can read more about today here.

you can read my story here.

and, sadly, you can read more stories of loss...

here

here

here

and here.

no one is alone.  and there are so many more.

did you know?

According to a 2004 National Vital Statistics Report issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2000, 15.6% or 1,003,000 of the 6,401,000 pregnancies in the United States ended in either a miscarriage or stillbirth; the CDC also indicates that in 2003 the number of live births in the United States was 4,093,000; of those births, 27,500 ended in the death of an infant under the age of one.

today.  many are lighting candles in remembrance.  i thought this was pretty perfect.

 

when doing everything right isn't enough...

you can:

a.  give up.
b.  have hope.

i know some day this will all be worth it.

...right?

anyone have patience i can borrow until then?

[sigh]
...

"it's ok mommy. god adopted her"

what an amazing read | heaven is for real.

spoiler alert.

i smiled reading the prologue when colton began to explain that he had sat in jesus' lap.

i cried in chapter twelve when little colton described jesus.  a barely four.year.old said, "his eyes...oh, dad, his eyes were so pretty".

and my jaw dropped in chapter seventeen when, during his brief time in heaven, colton discovered that he had not one but two two sisters.  the second, whom he had never met.  until he visited heaven, that is.  when she told him that she died in his mommy's tummy; a loss of which colton was too young to know or understand.

of course his mother inquired further and colton explained his sister's features, told his parent she had the tiniest wings and assured them that she was ok, because god had adopted her.  when his parents asked about her name, colton explained that she didn't have one because they had never named her.

heaven is real, people.

there are three things that i've majorly struggled with after my miscarriage.  1.  what happened next?, 2.  i would have died to know the sex and 3. am i crazy to feel so much loss?

even if, let's say, colton's account of heaven and the people there, isn't real.  and somehow, this four.year.old dreamed up this depiction of heaven and everyone there while under anesthisia.  and that his account is just a conglomeration of words and pictures he's come across in his four short years on the planet.  let's just say, he didn't really meet his sister who passed away in his mommy's tummy. 

even if...it still brings me so much comfort to have a little snapshot in my head of what may have happened next...and the feeling that someday i will find out of it were a boy or a girl [and be able to name him/her].  and that maybe god has adopted all the little ones in heaven...just like colton's sister 

i'm not sure why i sometimes feel like it isn't ok to feel loss.  because other times, i think, why wouldn't i?  in those nine weeks we had big dreams for that little bean.  and up until that ultrasound, for all we knew, it was going to grow to be our little one.  that's no different than a baby who is actually born thriving...ready to grow.

so much about this book brought me relief...and i'm not even finished.  i actually couldn't wait to wake up and blog about it as i set it on my nightstand last night.  i'm not sure why i am just now reading this.  i recommend!

 

from 'why me' to 'not just me'.

i've said it before, and i will say it again...blogging has been an amazing outlet for me.

not only am i able to vent, express, scream, cry, rejoice, brag and decompress about my day to day, but i have also connected with some amazing bloggers too.  bonus.

a blogger contacted me today and said they came across my blog via google search for prometrium.  she had nice things to say about making.a.menz and then i visited her blog.  and i was hooked.  i felt like i could have written her posts.  and i felt just like she did [a little stuck].  and then, after reading on...i felt normal.  [ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

because these other bloggers, who have had difficulty trying to conceive...or who have suffered a miscarriage...or the loss of a child...or people who have shared successes and roadblocks, have been
e x t r a o r d i n a r i l y helpful for my soul.

'why me' is really...it's not just me.  i'm not alone.  even strangers know what i'm going through.  and that feels like such a relief.

 

amazing.

i got to visit not one...not two...but three little babies today.  triplets.  amazing.  spontaneous triplets.  unbelievable.

it is unreal what our bodies do and crazy what they can withstand.

i was finishing my book, taking charge of your fertility.  and one of the last little blurbs was "knowledge is power"...which i kind of couldn't believe, because right as i started reading the book i wrote this post...in which i said the same thing.

but it's true.  knowledge is power.  and power over your body is amazing.  and the body is an amazing thing.  

i have a feeling this is our month....

 

20/20

came across this here.  love it.  

if it didn't look weird, i'd have my whole house full of quotes. 

i desperately need a chalkboard wall so i can change it as i wish.  

i live by quotes.  they lift me up.  another fav is the one on the very bottom of this blog. 

 

rabbit hole.

oh my tears | if you need a good cry, watch rabbit hole.  probably a good one to watch alone [glad my friend recommended that].  here is the trailer.

in the movie, they bring up the notion of these rabbit holes.  an alternate place where another you lives in a world where everything has gone exactly the way you had hoped and planned [sounds a little scy-fy, but it isn't].  and oh by the way, what if you could find that other version of you and just live.  but, here you are... with the life you've been given and in the screaming silence of loss and the open-endedness of grief there is still a place to dwell in hope.  please note: that's just my loose interpretation.  :)  also, open-endedness is a word i just made up.

anyway, i thought i'd share.  this is my friday night.  and i like it.  and i recommend this movie....and a box of tissues.

by the way...it's at red box.

oh and one more thing...

i experienced both of these scenarios recently, so just a word of advice...if someone has gone through some sort of personal issue and you're not quite sure what it could be [or maybe you do know], don't say the following:

"how are you feeling?  is everything okay?  i hope i didn't bring up a bad subject, like if you were pregnant and lost the baby" ...how awkward.

.or.

"you didn't want a deformed baby anyway"

any child is a gift, and i would have rolled with whatever came my way.  i understand that people don't know what to say, and that sometimes, things just come out....and they don't understand how hurtful their words can be, but if you don't have anything nice to say...don't say anything at all.  :)